Non Est Ad Astra Mollis E Terris Via.

Look, Mama!  I found my toes!!!

I thought I might take some time to reflect back to my birth plan and see how I did. You may remember my posts from October and December when I discussed my goals for my labor and delivery and other such stuff.

I had planned to use Hypnobirthing during labor and delivery and not use any medication or drugs. I’d been through a few hours of contractions at home, a few hours before they got us into our hospital room, and I was only dilated to four centimeters. It was the most intense pain I’d ever felt, and I wasn’t even half way dilated. I tried breathing through the contractions like I’d been taught, but I wasn’t prepared for what it actually felt like. I couldn’t sit still but it hurt to move. I’d just thrown up in the bathroom, mostly missing the toilet, and I came out to the sweet nurses and said, “I need help.” It wasn’t long after that they administered the epidural, which in itself is a strange thing.

I thought I would be disappointed in myself, but I was quite relieved. It allowed Sam and I to have a more relaxed and quiet time. My mom was able to sit with us for a few hours and talk. Even Neal came in for a while. Once I reached ten centimeters they asked if I wanted to push or if I wanted to “rest and descend,” which meant, “Do you wanna hang out while the baby pushes itself out?” Sure, that sounds great. It was an hour that Sam and I sat together very calmly, waiting for our new baby to be born. It was incredible, and I’m so thankful for the epidural that allowed that peace and restfulness. I’m sure other mothers feel the same about hypnobirthing, but those mothers must have practiced more than I did.

Breastfeeding. Yikes. My plan was to breastfeed exclusively until Vienne weaned herself, even if that means she’s four months or four years. I’d read several books on breastfeeding, I was sure this just the most natural, simple, easy way to feed a baby and that it would be a breeze for both Vienne and myself. I was so wrong. I wasn’t prepared for bleeding nipples and shocking pain so strong that I had to grit my teeth each time Vienne sucked.  And I didn’t know that if I stopped feeding as often on one side that it would change my ability make as much milk.  The pain was so intense on the right side that I had to stop alternating back and forth.  I’d nurse two or three times on the left, and then once on the right.  The right side still hasn’t caught up.

So, I nurse Vienne or I pump milk for her, and we’re also feeding her formula.  I felt like a total failure the first few times we gave her a bottle, like my body just didn’t work right.  But now, I’m absolutely thankful that I can feed her a bottle or that someone else can feed her.  Another young mother in my ward who’s daughter Adelaide is a month older than Vienne still hasn’t been able to give her a bottle.  That means she’s entirely responsible for feeding her baby.  No leaving the baby at Nana’s for a few hours, unless you’ve timed it just right.  I still plan to nurse Vienne as long as she’ll let me, but I’m thankful that I have some help in this area.

Cord blood: The doctor cut the cord as soon Vienne was born and it wasn’t donated.

Cranial Sacral Therapy and Massage: I haven’t done Cranial on Vienne once, although she does really love to have her head tickled and rubbed.  She loves a massage after her baths as well.  I sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” to her while rubbing lotion all over.  She really enjoys it.

I did get some cloth diapers, but we use them for burp rags, they’re the best.  I have used the flushable gDiapers; they were too big for the first month or so, and I forgot about them.  I’ve been using them regularly for the past two weeks, and I do like them…except she’s almost too big for them, we need to get the next size up.  They force you to have a more up-close-and-personal relationship with your baby’s mess, but I like not sending so many disposables to the landfill and soon we’ll be composting the wet ones.

I do wear Vienne in the pouch, but not as often as I’d like.  It’s just too darned hot these days.

V has gotten her first round of shots, the second in just a few weeks.  We talked about the benefits and the possible negative side effects, but decided that we that it was better for her to have the protection of the vaccines.

Let’s see, what else didn’t go as planned?  I wasn’t induced with drugs, but I induced myself with Castor oil to avoid the drugs.  Dr. Young broke my water when I was dilated to a six, I’m not sure if that’s the same as having the membranes stripped.  I did have an episiotimy, my Dr. said I would have ripped the other way if he hadn’t.  Ho hum.  I had the wireless monitors at first, which aren’t as great as they sound.  They have huge long wires, they’re just attached to a battery you can carry with you instead of being attached to the machines.  I was told when to push, but it was only three times for maybe five minutes, if that.  I did hold Vienne skin-to-skin as soon as she was born, and they took her away for five or so minutes while I was stitched up.  We had plenty of bonding time.

So, my reason for writing all this is to tell you that now I’m a mother and have experienced all these things I had great ideas about, I am quite humbled.  I admire any woman that can follow through with the birth plan I had, and many do.  Maybe on the next baby I’ll be more prepared and be able to try out the hypnobirthing and the other stuff, we’ll see.  Honestly I’m perfectly okay with how things have gone.  Vienne is a happy, healthy baby.  That’s all there is to it.   

Today, one year from the day we found out a baby was on the way to join our family, Vienne had her first laugh. I was blowing raspberries on her cheeks, and she laughed. Here is the joyous event, enjoyed by the entire family.

Osker didn’t much care for the motorboat noises I was making, but Vienne loves it.  

Early yesterday evening I was driving home from Walmart where I had just picked up vacuum belts.  I was stuck in a bit of traffic for a few minutes and I was remembering back to my school days how exciting Fridays were.  I imagined the people around me headed off for wild adventures, going to the movies, sleepovers, dining, drinking, dancing, all sorts of possibilities.  And me?  I was ecstatic to take a long shower and vacuum.  Such is life. 

I was reading PostSecret this morning, and of course there are several secrets sent in by children of less than great fathers.  Quite sad, really.  It made me feel very lucky and proud to have the dad I’ve got, and the other fathers in my life.

My dadda and I have always had a good relationship.  I remember having daddy-daughter dates.  We went to Wendy’s one time for lunch on a Saturday and he told them my name was Wendee.  I got a dozen pickles on my hamburger because of it, and I thought it was rad.  Once when I was small I broke his razor.  I was terrified but decided to be honest about it.  I brought it to him and apologized, and sobbed.  He held me in his arms until I calmed down and then carried me to bed.

My dad has always been supportive and loving.  I’ll forever be thankful for the family he and my mom created and brought me into, and for everything he’s done for me from teaching me to make pickles and videotaping my Starmaker performances, to helping me with math homework and being a witness at my wedding.  No matter where I am in life or in the world, my dad is always there for me.

Sam’s dad Dave is an awesome father-in-law.  He’s got a great sense of humor and has always made me feel like a part of their family.  My mom’s husband Tom, my step-father I suppose, is also a great guy.  He has a mellow, friendly attitude and he gets along great with all my brothers, which is a difficult task.

Sam isn’t my dad, but he’s the most important dad in my life right now.  He’s Vienne’s dad, and he’s wonderful at it.  Sure he likes to tease, but he loves her and cares for her as if he’s been doing it forever.  I love how Vienne recognizes him and smiles when she sees him.  Since he’s working two jobs right now, some days he only sees her for an hour or even less.  He comes home late at night after Vienne’s asleep and he quietly enters her room, bends down over her in her crib and gives her a goodnight kiss.  Sometimes she opens her eyes and gives a little smile before falling back asleep.

I couldn’t ask for a better partner in this parenting business.  I know he’ll be just as wonderful with our other kids, still waiting to join the family, and any other dogs that come along, too.  :o)